Dead Poet in the Fire
by Midgey
Summary: Todd Anderson journeys into the underworld to find his lost love, Neil Perry. Based on the Greek tragedy of Orpheus and Eurydice. POV of Todd Anderson.


I've never been a brave person. In school I surrounded myself with heroes and boys who were more man than the adults around us. But I was the one in the back, I was the boy without a voice.

That all changed when I studied under a man who pulled bravery and brilliant thought out of children and made us something better than we'd ever dreamed. And then I found a friend in my roommate. A sweet and beautiful boy named Neil, who taught me what love and beauty and honesty was. But he was taken away from me when he didn't think he couldn't live and keep his dreams. But all of a sudden I could only see him in my own dreams. I couldn't live that way. And so I decided I'd find him. I'd go through whatever, and whoever I needed to so I could see him again.

I met with a friend named Knox. He told me there was a cave nearby our school that, if you know what you're looking for, is the entrance to the underworld. He promised to take me there, and then I could go on to find Neil.

"Look, Todd. I understand why you want to do this. I really do. You and Neil had a really special relationship. But you might not find him, you might not even be able to get out once you go down there." Knox cautioned. But I couldn't think about anything other than Neil.

"I have to do this. We were supposed to have each other forever. We didn't even have a year." I said, pushing him along the path to the cave.

We got a few feet from the cave opening and Knox turned around and started walking back the way we came.

"I need to get away from here, I should have kept my mouth shut and let you mourn like a normal human being. Look, just be careful. And when you get to the river Styx, you'll find a ferryman named Keating. He'll take you where you need to go to find Neil." He said as he walked.

"K-Keating? Our professor? Knox! Our professor, Mr. Keating?" I cried after him, suddenly afraid of what I was going to find in the underworld.

"I don't know, I've heard stories. No one around here has seen Mr. Keating since he was let go here. I can't really say for sure if it's him or if it's just someone who shares the name. But I've been told that Keating might have sold himself to Hades out of guilt for what happened to Neil. I hope it isn't true. You'll have to tell me when you get back, all right?" Knox said, turning to look directly at me. He looked afraid. We both were; we loved Mr. Keating. We knew none of this was his fault. I shuddered to think of my beloved professor in the underworld serving out a sentence that those who loved him could never condemn him for.

"I'll definitely let you know what I find. I just hope you're wrong." I said, as we turned our backs to each other and went on our ways.

The cave was dark and deep, and for a moment I questioned what I was going into. But I had to do it. Neil was always brave for me, even when I told him not to be. I was always afraid of what might happen. But then the worst happened, and I was no longer afraid. I had to remember that; I didn't have anything to be afraid of as long as I could find the boy who gave me this strength. This was all for him, and this was all because of him.

As I went about a mile or so into the cave it became lit up by a green light, coming from a river. I assumed right away that it was the Styx and I smiled, one step closer to finding Neil. I picked up my pace to get to the bank of the river. As the green light got brighter, I saw the ferry and the man running it. I took a step back and almost had my legs give out on me. It was Keating. My Mr. Keating. He must have seen the look on my face, and he most definitely recognized me, because he tried to smile to welcome me. But it looked pained and it crushed my soul.

"You're here to see Neil, aren't you? I thought you might come looking for him sooner or later. That's why I came here. I've been waiting...I didn't want you looking for him without help. It's too dangerous and God knows I couldn't stand losing another one of you boys. Climb aboard, Todd! I'm sure you remember what to call me." Mr. Keating winked and motioned for me to join him on the boat. His enthusiasm in helping me along was tainted by our surroundings. Instead of the hopeful teacher I remember, I was being guided by a grim shell. Destroyed not only by Hades itself, but by the toll of what had happened when he was still living. Then, I supposed that it had destroyed me too, otherwise I wouldn't have been in that sickening place.

As we began our journey down the river, I had so many questions.

"How long will it take to get to Neil?" I started.

"Days, I think. It isn't easy keeping track of time down here, but days sounds right." Mr. Keating replied.

"Will he remember me? Will we be able to talk to each other?"

"If you can get through to his soul. It might take some work. but knowing how close you boys were and how crazy he was about you...I don't think you'll have much of a problem."

"...You blame yourself don't you?" I set my eyes on the floor of the boat.

Mr. Keating looked up, and as I could feel him staring at me, I looked up too. He had the same expression on his face that he had when he came into the classroom to collect his things the last day he was at Welton. Sick and sad, and hiding something; desperate to protect his student.

"I planted a seed. And I should have understood that even though what would grow would be beautiful, it might get eaten by the things around it. That's my fault. I was the adult, I had the experience to know how cold the world can be, no matter how much warmth you give off. I should have done more to protect him. And you. I suppose this is my chance to mend things a little." Keating sighed, "Okay, there is a rule. You can't touch Neil. Assuming you can get him to hear you, you can talk to him. But no touching. If you touch, he'll burn until there's nothing left but ashes. And before your eyes he'll be in the wind."

I felt tears start to well up. Since Neil died I had done my best not to let people see me cry, because all it got me was pity. And I never wanted pity. I wanted to get my boy back. But now I was being told that I would only get to hear his voice. I suppose that should have been enough, but it wasn't.

"How am I supposed to see him without being able to touch him?" I asked.

"The same way you were able to walk the halls of Hellton without holding Neil's hand. Because you have no choice in the matter. I'm really so sorry, Todd. I wish this was different. I wish I didn't have to be so cruel. But remember the saying, I must 'be cruel to be kind'. I don't want you to have the image of Neil burning in your head all your life. But this way you can tell him you love him, and say goodbye." He answered me, with a forced coldness in his voice. As if, like me, he refused to let others see his tears.

"All right, this is going to be it then. Let's go. I'm ready for this." I said, as I sat up in the ferry and looked past the front of the boat. There was so much fog that I couldn't see far ahead of us. But something seemed to be rising out of the water, and as we got closer I heard something that nearly stopped my heart. A voice coming from the water, mumbling something to me. And even when the voice wasn't clear I knew what it was saying.

"Truth, truth, truth, Todd. Are your feet wet and cold? Look at me, see the truth. You can't touch him. But I can touch you."

And as I listened, terrified, the thing grew closer. Until all of a sudden it was coming over the side of the ferry, splashing water over me leaving a puddle of frigid water at my feet. It was an old man, he looked insane, with no recognizable features. He may have been a beggar at one time, he may have been a prophet. I didn't know. He reached out and grabbed my throat and I could no longer breathe. I grabbed his hands, trying to pry them away from me, but the spirit was too strong for me. I started wrenching whole body backwards to try to pull myself away or loosen his grip, screaming all the time, but before I had any success I blacked out.

I woke up to Mr. Keating kneeling above me, with his hands on my collar, shaking me and shouting my name. Everything was still fuzzy, but through the fog I could feel what the spirit was telling me, what he was taunting me with. The reality of what I was facing when I saw Neil again was crushing me, but I had to pull myself together before I got to him. I couldn't let him see that I'm lost without him, I couldn't do that to him.

"Christ Todd, you have to be careful here! The ghosts and demons will find your weaknesses and rip your heart out before you even find Neil. Stay strong! Remember that you can still tell him you love him. And you can tell him that you'll be okay...You WILL be okay." Mr Keating said. I only had the strength to nod.

I didn't know how long I was out for, but we were completely alone now, surrounded by a dense fog. I felt like I was being smothered; as if that old man still had his hands on me. According to Mr. Keating it'd been only minutes since I'd collapsed, but it'd felt like days. I was exhausted. I stayed lying down in the boat until we hit land and I was propelled forward. Mr. Keating told me that I would be moving forward without him on land, but he'd be waiting for me when I returned to the river.

"Please come back, Todd. You need to come back." Mr. Keating called to me as I got off the boat and slowly made my way forward.

"I'm going to try my hardest!" I replied, concerned about the fear in Mr. Keating's voice. I was starting to believe I might become trapped, and the worst was I feared I'd be trapped and still kept from Neil.

I'm going to be honest, I don't remember much of the days before I found him; quite similar to how I don't remember much of my life before Neil came into it. I remember massive holes in the scorched land that spewed fire and steam as I passed. I remember creatures more vicious than wolves chasing after me for hours, getting at my heels and ankles so that I left a trail of blood as I ran. But even then I didn't feel like I was running from demons, I didn't see them behind me. All I saw was Neil waiting for me somewhere in this land of tears and crushed spirits, waiting for a face that loved him and once touched his face in comfort. I ran faster not to outrun the horrors I faced, but to get closer to the purest creature I'd ever met.

I finally reached a place where nothing met my burning ears but screams and moans. For hours, I think, I walked through a mass of poor souls chained to broken tombs as if they had broken out of their resting places to find not earth or heaven but a burning wasteland filled with unimaginable agonies.

I finally saw my boy, and it was I who was now wailing. He was mostly pale, with a rash-like splotchiness speckling his skin from the embers that kept falling on his sweet skin that once was so smooth and soft. As I got closer, I noticed more serious burns on several areas of skin. His brown hair was slightly shorter than it had been when he was alive, with the ends singed from the fires. There was no fire in his eyes, they were the only thing in sight that looked cold and quiet. I ran towards him.

I almost reached for his face before I remembered what Mr. Keating said; I could not touch him or he would turn to ash in front of me. I controlled myself.

"Neil...can you hear me? I came to see you. It's been so hard...I have suffered every day without you." I said, my voice breaking.

Neil took a deep gasping breath as if just waking up and realizing the pain he was in.

"Todd...wh-what are...you can't be here. I'm hallucinating. You can't be here, you have to move on! You were supposed to live. ...You're not chained." Neil said, confused and afraid for my safety.

"I'm only here for a moment, to say goodbye. You didn't let me say goodbye!" I said, my voice shaking as I forced back tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't. I loved you Todd. I still do even in this place surrounded by dead men screaming and no love to be found except in my heart. My heart hasn't burned away. It's so good to see you...I never thought I would again. But you should go..." Neil said.

"I'm not gonna leave you here like this." I said, still with a shaky voice, but more sure of myself, more angry at the world, instead of just feeling hurt and betrayed.

"You can't take me with you. I'll never be let out of this prison. It's this or nothing. Sometimes I'd prefer nothing..." Neil said, letting his voice trail off as if he were trying to reverse what he'd said. He didn't want to burden me any more than he had.

"I know. I came here with the knowledge that I couldn't touch your pretty face without turning you to ash. But what I see here is worse than that fate, and I won't be returning. At least not soon. You're doomed to an eternity of burning without relief, without turning to the peaceful ash that all burning things are due. I could give you peace." I said, tearing up again. I wanted to go back home knowing that my love was no longer suffering.

Neil let out a laugh, choked with tears of relief.

"Yes. I would love that. B-but I don't want you to see that. I can't let you see me die twice." He said.

"I hate that you died on me. But I hate seeing you in this pain, and I want to end it." I said, stepping towards Neil.

"Do it. I'm so tired but I can't rest. If I can know that you are going to survive, I'm tired of being." Neil said.

"I'm gonna be okay, I think. I don't know, but I'll try I promise. You changed my life. I'll love you even after I'm dead, just like you've loved me." I said, as I stepped back for a moment.

And in a quick moment, deciding to do it before I could change my mind, I rushed forward and grabbed Neil's arms as I put my lips against Neil's. They were raw and dry as they moved into mine, and after a moment I felt something like sand running down past my lips.

At first, I was going to step back to see Neil's face, but I knew what was happening and I didn't want to see his face become something unrecognizable and no longer human. Instead, I wrapped my arms around my burning boy and savored having Neil's body against my own, comforting him in his last moments. I felt Neil's body shrink in my arms as more ash became of him and blew away. The wind seemed to take Neil's voice from him as his last words were whispered, "carpe diem".

"Goodbye." I replied, to no one now.

After a few moments I was alone, and I let go of the last bits of ash I'd held onto in my hands. Neil was gone. There was nothing more for me to do but to make my way back to the river and Mr. Keating.

"I let him go..." I said as I reached the boat again and Mr. Keating helped me in.

"I thought you would." Mr. Keating smiled, to comfort me. "He was suffering and you loved him. Sometimes seizing the day means letting everyone in pain move on. That means you too, Todd."

"I know I can survive back home. I got to say goodbye, and I got to hold him as he left me. That was...I didn't realize how much that would mean to me, even when I missed him. I want to go back and _live_ again. Live more. Carpe diem, right?" I said, trying to make myself happy. I was only relieved, only thankful that Neil wasn't suffering anymore. But I wasn't happy.

As we made our way on the river back to the cave and back home I thought of the bright day and fresh air on my face. I said goodbye to death so that I could find life pleasurable again, or try. I was looking forward to seeing Knox and Dalton and the others again. I wouldn't tell them many details, but I could tell them with confidence that Neil was at rest now. And that we all should dance again when we think of him, because he would want us to. And because the last thing I ever saw him do was dance on the air after kissing him by the fire.


End file.
